I wonder
I wonder what would - could - happen, if I were to actually post on this blog more than once than my tiny brain allows me to through all of my ADD?
I wonder if at some point all of my seemingly meaningless thoughts beyond most individual reality allows (or even wants to - I don't blame people for not thinking this is a shit-show we live in, after all, ignorance is bliss). And oh, how I long for those blissful days, though I know not when they ever existed for me.
I have always questioned the nasty, disgusting methods of this "reality" we live in. How we are so easily programmed to think and act a certain way. And as good as we can all be, how in one relationship or a lifetime of negative relationships we can be forever changed and ripped into the darkness of this world.
And I feel that pull. I know the world isn't black and white - it is FULL of color beyond those shades and the ones they create combined. Reds, blues, greens, pinks - ALL of the colors. And I feel myself slowly being drawn into this "polar vortex". Only this one doesn't come with ice and snow and states of emergency. Perhaps it does in a metaphorical way. Because this world IS rather frigid and could warrant a spiritual state of emergency.
When did we become so cold and calculating. Telling people that their issues are their own problem?
While I understand the concept that my problems ARE my problems - we have no sense of community any longer. And it isn't that a person doesn't want to engage in the drama of it, I understand a person not wanting that, but to watch another human-being squirm uncomfortably because of some issue they are dealing with and then proceed to enlarge their issue by doing things to deliberately trigger that state of anxiousness. What happened to compassion?
And compassion does seem to be gaining momentum in the spotlight - but at this greedy level. The level of "I need followers on my Instagram (or whatever social media platform) on this over-edited selfie my Instagram boyfriend took for me doing a yoga pose with a quote plastered to the side in a clever manner with just the right #hashtags to get as many hearts as I can".
And in ways, I have become bitter. Part of me wanted to go set my phone up and take a deliberately hideous photo of myself yoga-flipping-the-camera-off with a "f*ck off" quote strategically placed and call it #bitchpose just to spite all the lifeless, dead bullsh*t I keep seeing. Because I utilize sarcasm as a means to deal with things. And it really just boils down to my inability to deal with it at all and I don't understand how people are so oblivious to their own sh*te behavior(s). I have mine, I can see what mine are and I DO try to proactively control my animalistic selfish as*hole habits.
I liken them to Instazombies. They have no REAL purpose other than to monetize their *edited/over-edited face and body. And while there isn't anything wrong with that (I STILL try to be compassionate and forgiving of the lack of connection in others) we continue to collectively give these people attention.
Kind of like the "cashmeoutssidehowbowdat" girl. When did we start REWARDING that bullsh*t behavior? Why are the Kardashikans famous? Who the f*ck are they anyway? I don't even know WHY or WHO they are. Maybe those people are just put on my timeline to teach me to dismiss them with love and gratitude. Ho'pononono, I keep trying to tell myself.
And I suppose that's where this rambling nonsense leads into the fact that I am AWARE and AWAKE enough to realize that I literally create these characters in my reality. I don't want them here anymore. I don't want the disappointment that people are shallow as*holes to exist in my reality - my consciousness. So, be that as it may, they ARE here for a reason. What the f*ck it is, I can only assume is to teach me a whole new level of forgiveness and compassion. To learn to let them go. To stop creating narcissists and sociopaths. To stop creating shallow females who will f*ck your man just to prove they can - they don't really want him, they just want to "win".
And the more I think about how many nasty nasty sociopaths/narcs there are in the world, I realize that I somewhat gave them a life of their own by focusing on how that seems a repeating relationship in my life. Whether it was my mother or more than one ex boyfriend or my current demon. I know, stop referring to him as that would be a great start. But, I have my own "shallow" moments and we are currently feuding.
How do I de-monster them in my mind? If you couldn't tell, I have a difficult time keeping my mouth shut to things that p*ss me off. But recently, I have started to slide into the very thing that causes great upset. I feel as though I'm becoming more like these very monsters just to try and fight them off.
And well, THAT'S not working. At all.
De-programming seems to be the only manner. It's kind of like confirmation bias - I keep finding resources that only support my view of them existing in greater numbers than ever before. Though, not ACTIVELY on a conscious level. I looked to the resources as a means to figure out a way to deal with them and try to heal any I came into contact with.
There are glimmers of hope in my experiences, however. I have seen growth from one individual. I don't want to discuss much of that person other THAN the growth I saw, because I feel that their story would be far too obvious and give away who they are and I believe that they should have their anonymity. So, not everything is lost.
How to un-f*ck myself and am I un-f*ckable to begin with? (Kudos to Russel Brand on that question.) It really IS a great way to look at it. Because I don't know the answer just yet. I have wanted nothing more than to de-program my mind from the ways of this reality. And for every step forward I seem to take, I fall back five more. To be continued - HOPEFULLY, tomorrow. That's if my demon doesn't kill me whenever he decides to get done screwing whoever he's been with the past 2 days.
I wonder if at some point all of my seemingly meaningless thoughts beyond most individual reality allows (or even wants to - I don't blame people for not thinking this is a shit-show we live in, after all, ignorance is bliss). And oh, how I long for those blissful days, though I know not when they ever existed for me.
I have always questioned the nasty, disgusting methods of this "reality" we live in. How we are so easily programmed to think and act a certain way. And as good as we can all be, how in one relationship or a lifetime of negative relationships we can be forever changed and ripped into the darkness of this world.
And I feel that pull. I know the world isn't black and white - it is FULL of color beyond those shades and the ones they create combined. Reds, blues, greens, pinks - ALL of the colors. And I feel myself slowly being drawn into this "polar vortex". Only this one doesn't come with ice and snow and states of emergency. Perhaps it does in a metaphorical way. Because this world IS rather frigid and could warrant a spiritual state of emergency.
When did we become so cold and calculating. Telling people that their issues are their own problem?
While I understand the concept that my problems ARE my problems - we have no sense of community any longer. And it isn't that a person doesn't want to engage in the drama of it, I understand a person not wanting that, but to watch another human-being squirm uncomfortably because of some issue they are dealing with and then proceed to enlarge their issue by doing things to deliberately trigger that state of anxiousness. What happened to compassion?
And compassion does seem to be gaining momentum in the spotlight - but at this greedy level. The level of "I need followers on my Instagram (or whatever social media platform) on this over-edited selfie my Instagram boyfriend took for me doing a yoga pose with a quote plastered to the side in a clever manner with just the right #hashtags to get as many hearts as I can".
And in ways, I have become bitter. Part of me wanted to go set my phone up and take a deliberately hideous photo of myself yoga-flipping-the-camera-off with a "f*ck off" quote strategically placed and call it #bitchpose just to spite all the lifeless, dead bullsh*t I keep seeing. Because I utilize sarcasm as a means to deal with things. And it really just boils down to my inability to deal with it at all and I don't understand how people are so oblivious to their own sh*te behavior(s). I have mine, I can see what mine are and I DO try to proactively control my animalistic selfish as*hole habits.
I liken them to Instazombies. They have no REAL purpose other than to monetize their *edited/over-edited face and body. And while there isn't anything wrong with that (I STILL try to be compassionate and forgiving of the lack of connection in others) we continue to collectively give these people attention.
Kind of like the "cashmeoutssidehowbowdat" girl. When did we start REWARDING that bullsh*t behavior? Why are the Kardashikans famous? Who the f*ck are they anyway? I don't even know WHY or WHO they are. Maybe those people are just put on my timeline to teach me to dismiss them with love and gratitude. Ho'pononono, I keep trying to tell myself.
And I suppose that's where this rambling nonsense leads into the fact that I am AWARE and AWAKE enough to realize that I literally create these characters in my reality. I don't want them here anymore. I don't want the disappointment that people are shallow as*holes to exist in my reality - my consciousness. So, be that as it may, they ARE here for a reason. What the f*ck it is, I can only assume is to teach me a whole new level of forgiveness and compassion. To learn to let them go. To stop creating narcissists and sociopaths. To stop creating shallow females who will f*ck your man just to prove they can - they don't really want him, they just want to "win".
And the more I think about how many nasty nasty sociopaths/narcs there are in the world, I realize that I somewhat gave them a life of their own by focusing on how that seems a repeating relationship in my life. Whether it was my mother or more than one ex boyfriend or my current demon. I know, stop referring to him as that would be a great start. But, I have my own "shallow" moments and we are currently feuding.
How do I de-monster them in my mind? If you couldn't tell, I have a difficult time keeping my mouth shut to things that p*ss me off. But recently, I have started to slide into the very thing that causes great upset. I feel as though I'm becoming more like these very monsters just to try and fight them off.
And well, THAT'S not working. At all.
De-programming seems to be the only manner. It's kind of like confirmation bias - I keep finding resources that only support my view of them existing in greater numbers than ever before. Though, not ACTIVELY on a conscious level. I looked to the resources as a means to figure out a way to deal with them and try to heal any I came into contact with.
There are glimmers of hope in my experiences, however. I have seen growth from one individual. I don't want to discuss much of that person other THAN the growth I saw, because I feel that their story would be far too obvious and give away who they are and I believe that they should have their anonymity. So, not everything is lost.
How to un-f*ck myself and am I un-f*ckable to begin with? (Kudos to Russel Brand on that question.) It really IS a great way to look at it. Because I don't know the answer just yet. I have wanted nothing more than to de-program my mind from the ways of this reality. And for every step forward I seem to take, I fall back five more. To be continued - HOPEFULLY, tomorrow. That's if my demon doesn't kill me whenever he decides to get done screwing whoever he's been with the past 2 days.
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